Before Poppy was born back when Jay was my only one, I remember being shocked when I found out someone I knew when I was younger ended up having four kids. I kept thinking, how do you even manage four kids?? And now here I am, a mom of four myself thinking about a possible fifth baby down the line!
Ever since Clive was born I’ve kept coming back to the same question. How do you know if you should have another baby? Do you just know you’re done one day, or is it a decision you make? I’ve talked to women who tell me no, they’re DONE done, like they couldn’t bear the thought of another one and they’re already stressed as it is in the thick of it. I get it, I definitely have my overwhelmed moments too, but I’ve never had that feeling where I knew I was done. Then on the drive down to Boca I listened to a podcast with an economist who’s a mom of eight herself. She spent years interviewing college-educated moms (like me, I have a poli sci degree) with five or more kids, all planned and none of them surprise pregnancies, about why they chose to have big families when most people stop at one or two. By the time we pulled into Boca, I finally understood why I’ve never felt done.
And if you’re reading this thinking, five kids?? I’m just trying to figure out if we should go from one to two, this conversation still applies. Whether you’re thinking about your second baby or your fifth, the question is the same, how do you know when your family feels complete? So much of what she talked about applies no matter how many kids you have. And before I dive into my thoughts, I’d love to hear from you. How did you decide to have more kids, or how did you know you were done? Tell me in the comments!
I have four kids. Jadyn is turning 20 in January and is a sophomore in college, and then there’s Poppy, Elliott, and Clive, who I had this past May at 39 (I wrote all about it in How Old Is Too Old to Have a Baby?). When we had Poppy, Anthony and I thought we’d have two together and be done. Jay always wished she’d had a sibling growing up, and with fourteen years between her and Poppy, I at least wanted Poppy to have someone close in age. Then Elliott came, and even though two together was the plan, we both knew we wanted to try for another down the line, and now we have sweet Clive, who I can’t imagine my life without. These days Poppy and Elliott run around the house together all day (and fight, like all siblings do), and Jay loves watching them bc it’s what she always wished she’d had growing up.
When I was younger I never dreamed of being a mom, and it’s a big reason I struggled so much when I got pregnant with Jadyn at 19, feeling like this was NOT supposed to be my life. I didn’t think I was maternal at all. I babysat all the time and thought the kids were so cute, and I was good enough at it that I got referrals, but I never once left a babysitting job thinking wow, I can’t wait to be a mom one day!
It wasn’t until I had my own that I realized how much I love it, and I’ve fallen harder with every baby. And then she said something that put into words what I’ve been feeling about our own family, something I’d never once heard anyone say about deciding you’re done.